99 Ways To Die
I figured I had to write something at some point. So, here I am. And this is my Livejournal. I'm not likely to write about anything too serious here, since my life (to say nothing of yours) is serious enough as it is. If I can make a few people laugh, that's about all I need. Indeed, I'm probably just going to talk about gaming a lot. As I love games of all sorts, but espically video games.
Now, with that in mind...
Okay, I have some very strange friends. Actually, I think everyone does, but that isn't the point.
One of my friends, whom I refer to simply as "R", has some odd (and mildly infuriating) hobbies, and one of them is apparently playing h-games ("H" = "Hentai", referring to Japanese erotica). I'm sure a lot of you know about these by reputation. I can assure you, the reputation is well-deserved. Indeed, it often dosen't do the real thing justice.
Earlier this week, he forked off on me one game in particular: A classic from 1998 entitled "Critical Point". I can't tell you why I ever accepted it. I used to play these things, back in the day, and they were all patently horiffic. This one, sadly, is no different.
One thing I will say in its credit is, this is one of the few h-games I've ever seen that has a setup OTHER than you being a horny teen, stuck in an enclosed space with horny members of the opposite sex, now go to it. No, there's a real plot in here, sort of, which makes me kind of sad it got stuck in an adult game. Something about a future torn by war, and... Yeah, you know the drill.
Anyway, after some strange events, you're sent to investigate a moonbase, to determine what's wrong with it.
Something is definately wrong, because two people die immideately after you arrive. Another two die shortly thereafter. And this is, sadly, where it all goes downhill.
This game is apparently the last of the dinosaurs. See, in these games, the plot (such as it is, in most cases...) unfolds based on what choices you make. There are good endings and bad endings based on the outcomes of these choices.
None of this has changed, but games that come out today apparently have precious few "bad" endings. Earlier, however, they had many, and such is the case here. There are many, many, many ways to meet your maker, and they're all pretty greusome.
I won't repeat some of the things you see (or do, good god...), but among other things:
- You can go outside in the moonrover. You need to do this to get the best ending (it's one of the events that must happen), but going outside ALONE ends in your immediate death, as you drive off of a cliff. Yeah. You suck.
- You can catch the sabotuer in the act! The scene you're greeted with is greusome enough, but then he/she stabs you to death with a broken sex toy. I've played perhaps thousands of games, and of all the ways I've ever died, that has got to be the worst...
- One of the girls is, of course, an android. Who dosen't look a thing like an android, because, you know, she wouldn't be sexy if it were so. Anyway, if you tell her the wrong thing, she goes crazy and re-programs your brain. I like a woman who knows what they want, but not when it's my complete and utter obediance...
- Just about everyone has some way in which they kill you, depending on your choices. Yes, death is very often a click away.
- Even the best ending itself is seperated by one choice. Picking the wrong one gets you the WORST ending instead.
And so on, and so on... I'm sparing you the more greusome details. This one is also an apparent "classic" in the way it has a number of very gross images. I'm not just talking nudity here, but real, genuinely grotesque things. Things I'd rather not repeat in mixed company.
... Heck. Even the nudes (the real reason any of us play these things in the first place) weren't worth the effort.
I suppose the real question is, why did I play it until I got all the endings?
And the answer is... That's simply what I DO.
I just had to get this clunker off my chest. Mabye next time, I'll have something slightly more cheerful to write about.